Stuck...super stuck in this stupid rut. I sabatoge myself so much all the time.
For the past year, working out was such a huge deal for me...a month ago, after dieting and working really hard... I messed it all up.
The whole month of December... horrible. So, new years..
Starting over. I guess its ok to keep starting over, right?
Grrrr...

So far so good!

So I have been working on the positive thinking though. Its not alway easy...its never easy, but working on it is a start. I have started to organize myself.. getting the thought out of my head " I am not an organized person" theory. haha I have regrouped and began a fresh journey. A work in progress so to speak.
And here we are...

Myself

So last night, I had a heart to heart with myself.
I am going to change.
For the better.
I am going to make myself healthy and everyday search for ways to do that.
I am going to do one positive thing for someone else without telling anyone.
I am going to think wonderful thoughts of people around me.
I am going to stop looking for the negative in others and myself.
I am going to decorate my house the way I imagine in my head...
I am going to be successful and strive to learn something new everyday.
I am going to think the best instead of worry for the worst.
I am going to look at my vision chart and build on that every day.
I am going to be grateful and give thanks for what I have.
Its not going to be easy, but I am going to be easy on myself.
I am growing in mind, body and spirit.
I value my life and the life of everyone around me.
I am truly blessed.

Some people confuse me. They come off as very nice...but lately little comments and mostly mean and I am not sure why. Well I can speculate, and I need to address it before I blow up. I don't know how you can take away from a person and feel so threatened when all I have done is encourage and be a friend. Maybe they don't realize it, but I think deep down they do. Passive aggressive.

Scared to death...

OK... yesterday was really tough.... well since Thurs.
After teaching at the gym, I had an asthma attack. Thank God L was there.
I had to leave during cool down.. made it to my nebulizer just in time.
SO then... going to the gym, I vowed to give myself a break and take some time from intense cardio.
I decided to bypass the gym yesterday morning... did some laps instead at my parents.
I had a nice workout, until something bit my neck. It swelled right away, and I had that lump feeling in my throat. I took Benendryl... and ice... but it was getting worse, and I was not sure if it was getting worse, or I was panicking. So my Mom and I headed towards the hospital, to be closer just in case (I forgot my epipen)... As we got closer, it was spreading and getting worse. We went in. I was at the registrar area and it was getting worse. My jaw and lips felt numb and I was getting scared at this point. They took me back and while I was waiting for the Dr, my shoulders felt numb (although it could have been m nerves)... They gave me an IV... as she was putting my IV in, I started having trouble breathing, felt like I could pass out and well... the nurse then shot me in the back with epinephrin, IV was put in ... I got benedryl, prednisone, something else and I think pepcid. I felt drunk. I felt better very soon after the epi...I had a bag of fluids and had to wait.. I left with a bunch of prescriptions. It scares me that things can happen so fast and if I was in the wrong place, wrong time... I could be gone. I was reading about it last night, and I was hitting the shock faze... I am so grateful... I feel so much better, mentally and physically.
I love life. I love my family and friends.
Thank you for today and yesterday...

Two

Two sides I am sure.. I have only heard one.
Just heartsick and prayerful.
I wish the best and all the happiness in the world.

Feeling

I feel...and absorb and sometimes it sucks
A friend is going through something that i don't want to fathom
they are suckerpunched and lost...
and I hurt for them... thoughts are not leaving my mind
so here I am at 3am unable to sleep.
I just want to shake and wake them up...
WHAT are you doing?
So I blindly write...I guess my subconscious is angry, no?!

too easy to leave and you'll try to forget
your running this space of arrogant discontent
and you rival the red that is perched on your shoulder
while the other devours the trail of perverse desire
and you still won't know the reflectious stare
cause the mirror angles to everywhere
and looking around to find your soul..realize
it cannot be traced with carbon and lead
who would have thought it would come to this
high school tragedy, but your still not the cool kid
so trip up the stairs, go through the motions
excessive, covetousness... cruel intentions

OK... emptied my mind for a bit... going to bed
and I pray that these people find peace and find what they are looking for...

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb

here

tired...
so many things unfinished..
been lost and weary..
so much loss...
i miss my little furry souls... they where home, and love...
a new chapter... wish i had even more peace.
sigh.
it still hurts.
Everyone is asleep... Ty seems restless.
gonna go check.


,,,

3 more days

So quiet without you here.
Sadness, deep, but it feels good.
Well...it will be good and I am growing stronger by the minute.
Never thought I would take it so hard. 4 days. Weird. It should not be a big deal...
we have been apart before.

Thought I was tougher than this.

It is 11:17pm and I am sitting here with an oatmeal/honey mask.
Incredible sticky.
My skin looks tired. weary.
Older, and not about all that.
7 more minutes till I can wash it off.
Sipping a cup of ginger/lemon tea.
Soothes me.

Regardless...I am
Blessed.

See you soon.
Love you...

Tick Tock... if I fall asleep now...

WIDE awake...its about 2:30 am and I am so awake I feel like working out. What tha... Why can't it be 6 am where I feel this energetic. I know Ty will be up around 7 and I will be so exhausted. Sigh. I have been tossing and turning. I decided to stroll downstairs, grab a cup of tea and kick my feet up as I stare at the computer. The house is so quiet. I hear the heat kick on, the hum of the fan from our bedroom... So peaceful, I should be in the most relaxed state.

I feel better about things. Maybe I just have some cool ideas, and I am alright with that. No longer upset.

Chow...haha

What the...

Should I feel flattered or scared.
.

sigh

So much to do.
Where to begin.
Too tired at the moment, haha
Took my little sis to see the Hannah Montana 3D show last night. It was pretty good!
That little firecracker impresses me. Kay Hanley was a BG singer and she just rocks.
Cool chick.
Gotta get some photography work done :)
And catch my 2 year old as he is having trouble keeping his clothes on. Good LORD.
Anyone have this problem?